By Drew MillardAs you read this right now, you are in the present. But the present is fleeting. There, that sentence is now in the past. Sometimes, my columns don’t get published until upwards of two or three months after I write them, so they’re usually not relevant in the least. So with that in mind, I am going to attempt to predict what will be happening on the date of this column’s publication, way back from the past of September 30, 2006. For every prediction that is true, I think you should give me a dollar. I’m not mandating this, I’m just really, really hoping for a handout.
Prediction One: There is still a war in Iraq. I’m afraid this whole Iraq situation might be morphing into a Vietnam-like travesty, which we won’t be able to get out of until Jimmy Carter becomes president. Which leads me to prediction number two.
Prediction Two: Jimmy Carter is running for President in 2008. The youth of America are clamoring to be out of the war in Iraq, and the only man with the wherewithal to answer their call and get us out of there is an 86-year octogenarian with a peanut farm and more Billy Beer than you can shake a stick at.
Prediction Three: The Number One Movie in America is a gritty crime drama starring Justin Timberlake. As of this writing, I am listening to pop singer Justin Timerlake’s newish single “SexyBack.” It is either the greatest song ever, or the worst. There is no middle ground. Right now, I am prone to subscribe to my first sentiment. But after listening to it perhaps five thousand times, I, as a side prediction, think that in January, I will hate “SexyBack.”
Prediction Four: Charles Taylor retained his seat in Congress. In the race for Congress, the incumbent never loses. That’s just the reality of the situation here.
Prediction Five: There is a cloned human named Dolly. Personally, I’m optimistic about this one. If we can send a man to the moon, then we should definitely be able to clone a human. This is just general principle.
Prediction Six: There was a White Christmas. Since this column is being printed in January, I can make some predictions about the holidays. We all gained ten pounds from the onslaught of Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years Eve coming in rapid succession, and since it has been unseasonably cold as of late September, I honestly think that’s it’s going to snow like there’s no tomorrow in the future. Of course, you’re reading this in the future, and so you probably know better than this column.
Prediction Seven: I have either (1) wrecked my car, (2) been eaten by a manta ray, or (3) bought Led Zeppelin II. I don’t know. I just have a feeling about this one.
Prediction Eight: Global warming will have increased at such a rapid rate that the world’s supply of nuclear bombs will have spontaneously detonated, sending the world into a downwardly spiraling nuclear holocaust. In which case, you won’t actually be reading this column, as you will no longer exist.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go light the menorah.
