Breeding ground?

By Drew Millard

Hey, it’s Drew here, and I’m still at Governor’s School. But I’m getting a little paranoid, and when you read what I have to say, remember that I am not joking: I’m kind of convinced that I am staying at a state-sponsored, free breeding camp for rising high-school Seniors.

It’s a known fact that North Carolina is trying to produce the best workforce in the world through its vocational programs at every public school. But what about those who don’t want to be a blue-collar worker? Has North Carolina made us the children left behind?

Well, yes and no. If you’re a High School student in North Carolina who wants to go to a good college, you have a challenge. Here in Polk County we have an extremely limited number of Advanced Placement classes to choose from, which are exactly what we need to be taking to get into college because they prove proficiency at a college level.


There is, however, an intellectual oasis where North Carolina teenagers can go and be free: Governor’s School. Here is a place where kids can go into a room and realize that everybody else in here is pretty much just like them — smart, quirky, and interesting enough to get chosen to attend a prestigious summer program in Raleigh.
This place is completely free, paid for by donors and the State. As far as I know, this isn’t a totally regular thing throughout the entire nation.

Which brings me back to my original point. What if, in addition to wanting to produce the best vocational workforce in the world, North Carolina also wanted to produce the smartest children in the world? A popular urban legend around the Governor’s School campus is that approximately twenty percent of every class ends up marrying another Governor’s School alumnus. If my calculations prove me correct, a 20 percent marriage yield every year produces (in the future) 80 marriages per year, which, using the classic assumptions, also yields (in the distant future) approximately 200 very smart kids per Governor’s School alumni household. Also, one must take into consideration the fact that the girl-to-boy ratio here is roughly three-to-one, meaning that somebody probably wants the males to have as many choices as they need to pair off at some point during the summer, in the hopes of that pairing resulting in a marriage.
Now, my facts and figures are probably begging the question: Is Drew having, umm, unauthorized relations at Governor’s School?

Well, friends, the answer to your question, for better or worse, is a resounding No. For one, girls aren’t allowed into the male dormitories, and for two, if they catch evidence of somebody doing it, they both get kicked out.

See, if that were going on here, it would completely defeat the purpose of the secret Governor’s School agenda: to produce stable marriages which produce super-smart kids raised in an academically stimulating environment. They don’t want anybody getting pregnant right now, because that would mean that some couple would be having a super-smart baby as opposed to the super-smart couple attending college.

Point is, North Carolina is sponsoring a camp where we will all find our future life-mates. This is absolutely a conspiracy, and I think that at the end of the summer, there will definitely be some future marriages, and the requisite 2.5 kids and a dog will be forthcoming. We’re all doing our jobs, Governor Easley.