I’ve had it with Christmas

By Drew Millard

That’s it. I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with this Christmas cheer. If I have to hear another version of “Silver Bells,” I might have to strangle myself with a bough of mistletoe. If I hear one more person wish me a Merry Christmas, I’m going to beat them with a roll of wrapping paper.
I’m sorry if that sounds overtly aggressive, but that’s only because it is. The crass commercialism that is Christmas has gotten to me lately for some reason, and I’m not sure why. You may remember that in a recent column, I wrote how I loved Christmas music, and the holiday season in general. I’m afraid to say that I might have reneged on that opinion. I guess that having to deal with the whole spirit of Christmas for two months instead of one has just kind of gotten to me. It’s become grating. Too much of a good thing, I guess.

The Christmas Spirit, in all its grandeur and glory, is dead, and it has been replaced by the Ghost of Christmas Commercialism. I guess I can best describe it in the context of the Family Christmas Movie. Every year, some formerly gigantic Hollywood star (read: Steve Martin) who used to have some sort of artistic integrity (Okay, maybe the word “integrity” isn’t right — just not the kind of star who you would think would be in a Christmas movie) stars in some sort of kid-friendly holiday flick that will inevitably make a hundred million dollars and will also inevitably stink. The Hollywood star has essentially sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the right to be the one who takes money from millions of parents this year. This year, the big stars are Danny DeVito and Tim Allen (for what seems like his eighth Christmas movie). Danny DeVito, the same man who directed Death to Smoochy — an R-rated movie about a children’s TV show host who decides to kill his replacement — is now starring in some movie called Deck the Halls, which is about Christmas lights or something. I have no idea, even though I saw the preview.

Let me put it this way. I, personally, am always looking for a reason to celebrate. If I had the power to make every week a different event, I would in a flash. But I would not dwell on whatever awesomeness I had created. I would not build it up for two months. Because Christmas day is always disappointing, isn’t it? Always a let-down. As a kid, your new bike never goes fast enough, the big toy is never as cool as it looks in the commercial, and you never get the pony that you wanted, and if you actually did get the pony, then that too is a disappointment, because you then have to muck out horse stalls until the day you die.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I’m playing Santa for the kids at the hospital.