Wait and see, or make things happen

By Drew Millard

During a semi-long drive the other day, I had an existential crisis. Am I, I thought to myself, in control of my own destiny? Am I behind the driver’s seat of life? Am I, in a compound-word, self-actualized? To find out, I turned off my CD player and listened to the radio. I was unpleasantly surprised. I must have spent half an hour searching for a half-decent radio station, only to find that there are none. So I listened to some random pop station and was miserable.
This is no way to live. This simple experience led me to a realization. There are two types of people on this earth: those who wait and see what will happen, and those who make things happen. And there are two tests to determine whether a person is in the first group or the second group.

The self-actualized, forward-thinking man (or woman or hermaphrodite) will always listen to a CD in his car, because he understands that the only way to begin controlling his own destiny is by controlling what comes into his ears. Be it the classical stylings of Brahms or the classic rock of the Rolling Stones, real men (or women or hermaphrodites) will fight to the death for their right to listen to what they want. Putting in a CD shows that one is making a proactive decision and taking his future into his own hands.

Meanwhile, those who listen to the radio are weak. These heathens don’t care what they’re listening to, only that there is music on. People such as this never get anything done, only complain and change the station. Now, I know that the argument can be made by some that radio-listeners want some variety coming into their ears, but that’s why God created the CD-R, or as I like to call it, the burnable CD.

The burnable CD allows you to pick eighty minutes worth of music to play in your car. Enough said. But credence must be given to the location where one travels within one’s self-actualized compartment of music. Really, everybody — even the self-actualized — have to go places they don’t want to go. But they can, ninety percent of the time, control which restaurants they patronize, and therefore choose what food will enter their bodies.

The only place that allows one to eat and be truly free is the Chinese Buffet. Why, you may ask, would such an establishment, famous for its endless variety of food and questionably food-like accessories, be a key in the establishment of independence?

Because. Some things just work that way, and this is one of them. The Chinese Buffet is (a) sinfully delicious, (b) delightfully full of variety, and (c) delectably cheap. If one has limited funds, as any good self-actualized man does (jobs prevent the independent from doing what they want), then you must eat there or risk normalization.

The truly self-actualized have complete control. This is why they listen to CD’s instead of the radio, eat at Chinese Buffets instead of regular restaurants, and will one day rule the world. This is the unquestionable truth. If you have a problem with it, talk to me. I’ll be at the Chinese Buffet in Forest City.