May I have your attention please

By Drew Millard

Well, after having watched the first of many Democratic and Republican debates, I have concluded that there are no suitable candidates for President. Not that the debates helped, of course. The questions posed to the Democrats ranged from easy (Name your favorite Supreme Court Justice — Ginsburg!) to ridiculously easy (On a scale from one to ten, how bad is the Iraq war? — Eleven!) to gimmes (On a scale from Gary Busey to Angelina Jolie, how concerned are you about Global Warming? — Matt Damon!).

And don’t even get me started on the Republicans. All in all, they referenced Ronald Reagan (whose library was lent out for the debate) and his politics a total of nineteen times, which is about fifteen more times than they would have mentioned him had Nancy Reagan not been sitting in the audience.

A moment that really struck me as just bizarre was when John McCain glared at the camera and vowed to “follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell.” Really, I think that he should stop at the River Styx. That, and Rudy Giuliani mentioned that he was mayor of New York six times that night.

The softballs lobbed to the Republicans were just as easy as the ones asked of the Dems. Sample question: Which is worse: abortion or a chicken salad sandwich? All answered “Abortion,” except for Giuliani, who said, “Eh, well I’m gluten-intolerant, so I’ll have so say the sandwich.”

This is beyond intolerable. If any of these candidates from either end of the political spectrum win the presidency, then the entire United States is doomed to World War III, and we all know it. Which is where I come in. I’d like to announce my candidate for the presidency of the United States. I’ll be running as an independent, as I’m not technically registered to vote and am not technically allowed to run due to my age. Still, I’d like you to consider me.

I know that a presidential candidate’s opinions on the issues are almost as important as stuff like hair, teeth, and whether or not any of my relatives has their own brand of beer, so I’m going to tell you where I stand on all of the “hot-button issues.” So, well, here goes.

I think that Medicare and Social Security are vastly more complex issues than the American people should have to deal with, so I would eliminate both of them. People don’t seem to like taxes either, so I’d stop making people pay them. All homeless people from here on out get dancing lessons so they can finally stop being useless bums and turn into endearing vagabonds, hearkening back to a simpler, happier America that never actually existed. Millard Fillmore would be on the seven-dollar bill, which I would create. As for abortion, same-sex marriage, terrorism, and the war in Iraq — eh. I’m sure they’ll all work themselves out.